she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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