did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
