I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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