sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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