i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
