highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
