My Higher Power is John Stamos
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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