She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
