had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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