She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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