Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
