My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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