it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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