Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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