Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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