why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
