stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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