How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
