What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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