they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
