Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
