Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
