In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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