once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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