The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
