you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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