Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
