Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
