So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
