woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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