i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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