He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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