im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
