You work out of a Hotel?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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