I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
