it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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