Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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