I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
