I just cut my nipple shaving
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
