Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
