In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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