Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
