you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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