Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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