we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
