I'm going to jail i love you
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
