Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
