i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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