What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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