If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
