We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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