is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize