New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
