Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
