In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
