She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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