Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
