Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
