i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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