I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
