Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
