i need an iv and a liver transplant
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
