All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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