You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
